When the ‘hero’ falls from grace
How many times do you find yourself stuck for words? Feeling in awe of another? Surrendering to their ‘greater’ knowledge?
We all benefit from ‘teachers/mentors/guides/leaders/therapists/coaches’. We all learn from others. Each person, flower, dog can be our teacher if we permit. Yet, discernment and care is needed, lest we simply hand over responsibility for our lives to another.
This is a story I know well. One that has hit my heart deeply, and one I know many of you will recognise.
A few months ago, I discovered that a past ‘teacher’ of mine, Mike Lousada, had been found guilty of raping one of his clients. I had trained with him in 2013, sexological bodywork that I undertook in a quest to heal my personal and ancestral trauma. I longed to learn more about how I could be more intimate with both myself and another.
Reading the paper and full judgement of the case, I felt deeply sickened as words leapt out at me, words with which I resonated from my own dealings with Lousada. I also felt deeply sad. Another betrayal. Another ego-led person who put their own need for validation above those of their client. That client was a vulnerable person seeking help to overcome deep childhood trauma. This brave and bold woman relinquished her right to anonymity to speak out against someone who frankly overstepped boundaries in every way.
Not one of us is free of some form of trauma. We all deserve the right to heal. Yet when we turn unquestioningly to a therapist or teacher, we can override that little voice inside that knows that this person may not be the right person for us.
This was my scenario with Lousada.
I proceeded to invest time and money into this man and his course, and personal 1:1 sessions which now I feel sickened by. Even then I had a feeling inside that something so slight just DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT….
As part of the course, I participated in a ‘procedure’ which led to a serious permanent gynaecological issue. Years of depression and serious self-doubt ensued.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always doubted myself. Yet when a teacher says to you ‘you obviously had a shamanic appointment with this’ (meaning “I’m not taking any responsibility for this you go deal with your stuff”), it can exacerbate any existing lack of self-confidence and feelings of victimisation. Into the ‘victim’ state I went…for a long time. Mistrusting myself, my belief in men again squashed, the sense of betrayal pronounced.
This is the work. We have to discern between those times when we are actually victim to someone else’s bad behaviour, and when we get stuck in ‘victim role’. We need to take full responsibility for ourselves and our lives, demonstrating integrity, congruence and honesty.
Recently I was listening to Marianne Williamson’s new book. She spoke to something I have known for a while and I paraphrase here;
“Yes, you are the victim of circumstance, yet now it’s yours”
In other words, when you experience abuse, exploitation or simple disregard of your needs, what you choose to do with it is up to you. You can stay stuck in blame, or you can choose forgiveness and heal.
This is not denying some serious and devastating things that happen in the world where people are victims - just look at the world stage…yet for many of us we unconsciously or consciously choose to stay in the place of victimhood because
A. It is such a familiar role, we have no idea who we would be without this story
B. It is easier to blame than change
C. We don’t know how to change the narrative
D. To stand in our truth and be fully ourselves is far too scary, I’d rather stay small
E. Shame takes us, holding us hostage to our own and others’ stories
F. Fill in the blank…what keeps you stuck?
When we learn how to listen to ourselves and speak up we begin to recognise how our own gentle prompts and ‘red flags’ show up. Do you know your own body signals for red flags?
Without this befriending of ourselves, we relinquish our sovereignty. We ignore what is being shown to us until it’s ‘too late’, and once again we are down the rabbit hole of codependent, trauma bonding. We give our gold to another as our codependency keeps us leaning on another rather than leaning back into our own spine, knowing that we can and do ‘have our own back’.
When we know and trust our own inner voice, we know it is safe for the perceived ‘hero’ to fall from grace. We step into the role of being our own saviour and knowing our worth.
If any of this resonates with you, do get in touch. And if you are wanting some mirroring and hand-holding through your own experience, I have 2 spots open for some 1:1 clients and a new group starting in the New Year.